Uwe Boll Has Three Picture Distribution Deal

1up is reporting that famed, beloved film-maker Uwe Boll has landed a three-picture deal with a company called FreeStyle. They're going to be releasing three Boll-helmed films to theatres across the country. The three films are Postal, Dungeon Siege, and an original work by the director called Seed. "The high-profile cast of In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale -- Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Ron Perlman, Leelee Sobieski, John Rhys-Davies, Matthew Lillard and Burt Reynolds -- means Freestyle's putting their muscle behind the fantasy epic. Opening January 18, 2008, the film's scheduled to appear in at least 2,500 screens -- a nice score for Boll, considering BloodRayne's distribution problems."

Three full length movies?!

I saw the headline that said "three pictures" as in still images and thought to myself "Yeah, that's about the right length for a Uwe Boll film".

Pavlovian Reaction

Am I the only one who involuntarily flinches whenever news comes out about movies based on games? I swear, it's an actual physical reaction to mental trauma!

Favors?

How many times does Uwe Boll go down for a deal like this? Silver tongue? Hypnosis? Pact with Satan?

Distribution?

"considering Bloodrayne's distribution problems"??? You're joking right? The problem was that Bloodrayne was distributed at all! *shudder* And once again he's trying to hide his pathetic movie making "skills" with some high-profile name. Hey, if Ben Kingsley and that honey Kristianna Lokken couldn't save Bloodrayne I'm not sure how he thinks that doing it again will someone work. Apparently, this company that's giving him these three films has not heard of the phrase about learning from history.

Ooh. I'd better be careful lest Boll challenge me to a boxing match. Unfortunately, he's a better boxer than filmmaker. Then again, he probably does everything better than filmmaking. :P

Problems

Opening January 18, 2008, the film's scheduled to appear in at least 2,500 screens -- a nice score for Boll, considering BloodRayne's distribution problems.

Silly me, and here I was thinking that BloodRayne's failure was due to it being a crap movie.

Sweet Finally

Uwe Boll is my favorite movie director and producer, and fight choreographer of all time. He should make a movie a week because I would watch them all! Bloodrayne was one of the best movies ever because of Kristanna's amazing breasts and Billy Zane's pimp toupee that looked like he kept it in a pocket right up until the camera started rolling in every scene and hastily kinda just slapped it on, barely checking if it was even right-side-up.

Forget Peter Jackson and Halo. Uwe Boll is the only man for that job. And for Zelda as well. I can't wait for his awesome Oscar-sweeping epic Dungeon Siege movie; I assume Burt Reynolds plays the donkey.

Finally!

His movies gets the attention they deserves and I hope it atleast ends the overall negative publicity his movies gets. They may not be masterpieces but they definently are alot better than what many says.

Big name actors

"The high-profile cast of In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale -- Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Ron Perlman, Leelee Sobieski, John Rhys-Davies, Matthew Lillard and Burt Reynolds

The big name actors made Bloodrayne seem even worse to me - I kept thinking what the fuck are you doing in this crappy movie?

And what are you even doing in this type of movie? I'm looking at you Michael Madsen. And you Michelle Rodriguez.

And the material they had to work with made them look like really lousy actors. What a disaster.

Mandatory Penny Arcade Link

Dungeon Siege: The Movie [penny-arcade.com]

Oversaturated

This is good, people! If Uwe floods the market with his crappy films, perhaps poorly acted, written, and directed films will fall out of favour! People will go to the cinema and think: "Wow, looks like they totally Uwe'd this movie, let's check out something else."

So don't worry everybody, we can count on the market and people's good sense and intelligence to fix the problem.

Right...?

Re:Oversaturated

People will go to the cinema and think: "Wow, looks like they totally Uwe'd this movie, let's check out something else."

It's not how it works. You see, some movies are so bad, I mean SO BAD, that they're good. The canonical example is "Plan 9 from outer space" (you gotta check this out).

If you thought Plan 9 is funny, then you will love Uwe's "Alone in the Dark" quite a bit more. The movie is so hilarious, that if they marketed it as a parody, I'd never suspect anything else.

The script, acting, editing, effects: everything is going to crack you up. And this is why, I like Uwe's movies and watch them. Especially good if you go watch it with some friends.

Burt Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds in a medieval fantasy movie? Here's some working titles:

Smokey and the Rogue
The Longest Furlong
The Best Little Whorehouse in Middle Earth
Cannonball Run

Does It REALLY Matter?

Uwe Boll, video game based films, etc... Does it really make a difference when almost all big name films coming out are complete and utter shit anyway?

License to kill movies

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Why hasn't someone taken this man's movie making license away!!!??? And what frickin suckers would give this guy money to make movies in the first place?????

The best scene in Bloodrayne was Meatloaf's naked vamp chick harem, then you he actually had to throw meatloaf in that scene which took it down a bunch of notches.

I saw a brief story a while back on Postal and thought to myself, um, like the game REALLY didn't have much of a story line. It was pretty much "I've lost it, oo a gun! BANG BANG BANG!!!! I regret nothing" and blows off his head. How in the world could you figure that would make a good 1:30 movie?

Damn it Jack Thompson use your ignorance to do some good and stop Uwe Bolle from making movies!

Ugh

That man takes to the movie camera like Jason Vorhees and hockey masks.

Postal?

You know, I have to admit I can't think of anyone more appropriate to make a movie out of that.

Bloodrayne? What about HotD?

I can't believe we've all already forgiven him for House of the Dead (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317676/). Bloodrayne was bad? How's about a movie where if you're on the boat, it rains, but if you fall in the water it stops. Pan back to the boat, more rain...

Opening January 18, 2008

And closing Opening January 19, 2008. Seriously "Dungeon Siege" will have been sitting in the can for two years. Distributors are not stupid, if it was even slightly watchable it would have appeared before now.

Apocalypse now?

Yet another sign of the imminent apocalypse, Uwe Boll gets a 3 movie deal.

I really thought

that dungeon siege had already been finished, released and bombed. I really need to cut down on my spice consumption, prescience is too trippy.

What I really want to know is

How do you pronounce "Uwe Boll"? The closest I can come to is "you bowl", which doesn't sound like a name.

You know, so I can tell people to avoid his movies.

Re:What I really want to know is

"Eeeew! Blows!"

January Opening?

FYI January is the traditional dumping ground for studios. Films that studios believe will be big open in November-December to cash in on the holiday crowds. Smaller films that don't have mass appeal, but appeal more towards the "arthouse" crowds, open in late December in order to be in contention for Oscar consideration, then they are (hopefully) released big in February to March with ad campaigns trumpeting their Oscar nominations. Films that are neither arty nor will be popular open in January.

Congratulations Uwe!

"Uwe Boll and the German Tax Code" (Escapist)

For the second time in two days, I get to plug one of my Escapist articles: "Uwe Boll and the German Tax Code [escapistmagazine.com]," which answers the perennial question "Why do people keep giving Boll money to make movies?" (Link goes to HTML text version.)

there is no God!

the existence of Uwe Boll proves that there is no God!

Re:Buddah help us!!!

In the time it took you to think up that post, David Banh got a masters degree in religion.