Celebrity AD&D Character Sheets

GnomeIllusionist writes "In their continuing tribute to Gary Gygax, Wired has created character sheets for nine celebrities. Apparently, Stephen Hawking can do 10D6 radiation damage to his enemies and Rick Astley is a 20th-Level bard. Steve Jobs' black turtleneck is actually magical armor with +6 against edged attacks." Most of them are kinda cheesy and obvious- I wonder if you can do better.

CmdrTaco's Sheet

Most of them are kinda cheesy and obvious- I wonder if you can do better.

CmdrTaco

Web Master
Chaotic Basement Troll
Strength: Pi
Intelligence: 4
Wisdom: 12
Constitution: 18
Dexterity: 7
Charisma: 1
Special Abilities: Posses the inability to discern between 'there' and 'their' while at the same time lacking any clue of what news is.

It's Only Funny When It's Not You

I always wondered what evaporating karma sounded like....

Right so remember kids, it's only funny when it's not you. Oh no, I'm going to be modded troll and then funny and then troll and then ... I don't really care that much about this site anymore or my karma. If you need proof, I'll just go on a bitchy little rant about how I've never once gotten mod points despite the number of posts I've made, my karma, my many meta-moderations or the fact that I'm number four or five on the list of top contributors.

But if I hurt Cmdr Taco's feelings, I'll make it up to him:

eldavojohn

Slashdotter
Narcotic Basement Sheep
Strength: i
Intelligence: 3
Wisdom: 4
Constitution: 18
Dexterity: 19
Charisma: 2
Special Abilities: Will suck dick for karma. Extreme dexterity gives him ability to stick foot in own mouth. Often acts like a know-it-all about topics he has no right commenting on. When challenged, often flies into frenzied rage and adds +7 to defensive rhetoric with a tree hugging hippy slant to it. Member of Slashdot hive mind mentality.

Christ, if you can't laugh about everything what's the point of living?

Should use Stormbringer System....

Hawking has to roll every time he gets near a flight of stairs in a melee or takes the tumble critical hit..

Re:Should use Stormbringer System....

Hawking has to roll every time he gets near a flight of stairs in a melee or takes the tumble critical hit..

He's in a wheelchair.
Rolling is his only mode of transportation anyway.

Re:Should use Stormbringer System....

Nonsense. Real theoretical physicists don't fear stairs: they level the building.

(You don't think Hawking radiation only applies to black holes, do you?)

Obligatory Onion reference

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma [theonion.com]

REDMOND, WA--Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.

Re:Obligatory Onion reference

That article is so much better than Wired's version.

Opens new tab to read article...

...sees Paris Hilton, clicks the little (x). Next story, please.

More on Rick Astley's char sheet

Rick Astley's character sheet neglects to mention a few things -- he is under a permanent Geas of loyalty. Rick is unable to abandon party members for any reason (although his party members may choose to leave him if they initiate the separation). In addition, he is unable to speak any untruth which causes emotional anguish to another.

Rick also has a compulsion to explain to others his emotional state and how he is feeling, which results in a penalty to all rolls involving deception (except vs. ducks). However, this feature is not a Geas and is merely a personality trait.

Re:More on Rick Astley's char sheet

Can that be considered a rickroll even if it happened inside my head?

Don't bother visiting

Paris Hilton
Actress
Chaotic Neutral Human
Strength: 9 Intelligence: 9 Wisdom: 8 Constitution: 10 Dexterity: 14 Charisma: 18
Special Abilities: Wiggling out of jail time for DUI charges, washing cars in an entertaining manner.

George W. Bush
17th -level politician
Chaotic Neutral Human
Strength: 11 Intelligence: 10 Wisdom: 6 Constitution: 12 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 16
Special Abilities: Always wins eligible elections, takes no damage for corporate connections, has the ability to prevaricate perfectly, and always goes first in initiative in attacks via other countries.

Ron Paul
23rd-Level Lawful Good Wizard
Strength: 10 Intelligence: 17 Wisdom:17 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 13
Special Abilities: Can see into the future, but must roll Charisma or less on d100 to convince anyone he's right. Can summon 1,000 devoted followers on command, and can pull 10,000 GP out of his hat as needed -- but no one knows how. His presence at delivery adds +1 to all child's attributes.

Steve Jobs
21st Level Paladin
Strength: 12 Intelligence: 15 Wisdom: 17 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 20
Special Abilities: Reality Distortion field allows him to temporarily influence any character, if he rolls less than his Charisma, minus the target's Intelligence.
Special Equipment: +6 Magical Armor appears as a black turtleneck and blue jeans, but protects him from edged attacks.

Dean Kamen
43rd-Level Human*
Strength: 10 Intelligence: 22 Wisdom: 23 Dexterity: 13 Charisma: 16
Special Abilities: Can instantaneously invent anything to solve any problem.
Special Equipment: 6-wheeled, gyroscope-balanced battle chair. Dean's Dexterity is reduced by one and STR increased by two when riding the battle chair.
Magical "water box." Powered by fire. Makes clean water and provides a bright light that can be used to reduce an opponent's dexterity by two points.
*His exact origin/species is in dispute.

Stephen Hawking
25th-Level Cosmologist
Neutral Good Human
Strength: 3 Dexterity: 2 Constitution: 10 Intelligence: 28 Wisdom: 20 Charisma: 12
Special Abilities: Time dilation at will, and Hawking Radiation. Any nongenius within a 60-foot radius take 10d6 radiation damage. Base movement: 6 ft/round
Special Equipment: Wheelchair of translation.

Richard Dawkins
22th-Level Evolutionary Biologist
Lawful Neutral Human
Strength: 12 Dexterity: 13 Constitution: 10 Intelligence: 18 Wisdom: 22 Charisma: 25
Special Abilities: Spell Resistance Infinite (because magic is not real).
All Cleric-Priest within 60 feet gain 2 negate levels due to logical paradox.
Special Equipment: Spectacles of Trueseeing (always sees things as they really are).

Rick Astley
20th-Level Bard
Strength: 8 Intelligence: 9 Wisdom: 10 Constitution: 10 Dexterity: 18 Charisma: 18
Special Abilities: Uses Dex. bonus for all Dance-related checks due to years of training in the art of '80s pop dancing. Can rickroll targets for 5d6 of humiliation damage.

Mr. T
lvl9 Fighter / lvl7 Barbarian
Strength: 18 Intelligence: 8 Wisdom: 12 Constitution:16 Dexterity: 12 Charisma: 12
Special Abilities: At will: Pity (the fool). There is no save, and it is not subject to spell resistance. The effect is 4d6 subdual damage and permanent Pity.
Languages Known: English, Jibba Jabba.

No, I haven't forgotten any stats: some people just didn't seem to deserve all 6, as far as Wired was concerned!

Re:Don't bother visiting

Why would you suggest Paris Hilton is stupid? It's an honest question. Because the character she portrays on "reality" TV is stupid? Because she doesn't wear underwear? Because she doesn't have a job? None of those suggest stupidity to me.

I'm not saying Paris Hilton is a genius, but I've yet to find any evidence that she's an idiot. People who accuse her of being stupid, in my experience, tend to be the type that are intimidated by or easily manipulated by the blonde, bubbly, slut stereotype. She's picked an image and exploits it to her full advantage. Yes, she's blonde. Yes, she toys with men. Yes, her childhood was handed to her on a silver platter. None of that to me suggests stupidity.

Consider that Paris Hilton is rumoured to be dubbed "the most overrated celebrity" by the Guinness Book of World Records. She has attained a huge amount of fame and fortune (not all of it inherited) by doing absolutely nothing but playing the media. That doesn't sound like stupid to me.

Additional character

no disrespect to Mr. T, but Chuck Norris would have been much better. Chuck Norris Lawful Good Superhuman Strength: 20 Intelligence: 10 Wisdom: 12 Constitution: 16 Dexterity: 18 Charisma: 15 Special Abilities: Tears cure all afflictions. Roundhouse kick, if rolled higher than 1d4, defeats enemy. Beard has special powers not yet seen.

Re:Additional character

I thought it should be

Chuck Norris:

Strength: Chuck Norris
Wisdom: Chuck Norris
Int: Chuck Norris
Dex: Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris

Re:Chuck Norris

Everyone knows that as soon as you introduce the Chuck Norris character into the game, it ends as all the other characters get roundhouse kicked into another alternate universe.

Also, Chuck Norris always wins, even with a 1. Nobody else dares roll the dice to counter. It is said that someone tried once - they rolled a blank - the pips on the die had turned white in fear of Chuck Norris.

Re:Chuck Norris

I would suspect that he is now unable to 'get over' anything. He was probably killed by mysterious roundhouse related injuries within seconds of his post being submitted.

22th?

"22th-Level Evolutionary Biologist"

how about 22nd..
looks like an editor just failed an intelligence check.

What a cop out!

"Good and evil need no explanation" ... if you've figured out what's good and what's evil in this crazy world, please share!

Re:What would have made a better article

Let's see... William Shatner has the ability to randomly pause; if you roll a 13 on a 13-sided die, he pauses and in spite of looking ridiculous, he is miraculously unharmed by any attacks for an entire round. Also, every round, he gains experience points through sleeping with every non-human female currently in play.

:-D

Re:Error in 'George Bush'

AFAIK, his INT score shouldn't be higher than 9.

I'd also say 16 isn't his rolled CHA score; he couldn't possibly have rolled more than 12. At best.
All the rest is the doing of a few magical items, circumstance bonuses and followers.

Also, since he left my benighted country just a few hours ago, he also possesses a magical shield aura along with several hundred guards: no-one can enter the area within 300 m from him.
Setting your eyes on him can also probably turn you to stone or suffer the effect of Baleful Polymorph; what other reason could there be that people living in vicinity of the route he took were told to shutter their windows and stay inside?

Re:Error in 'George Bush'

I can't believe they forgot to mention his favorite spell:
"Fear and Confuse"- This spell has a nation wide area of effect causing any creatures with below 14 INT to see enemies in every shadow and to believe that the caster is their best hope of salvation. Any mage attempting to cast a "Dispel Fear" will immediately be lynched by the effected creatures. Duration: each effected creatures rolls 2d4 for number of years under the spell.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment

Neutral Evil. Lawful Evil types will follow laws & agreements to the letter, if not necessarily the spirit. Bush clearly thinks the law doesn't apply to him, so he's not lawful.

First ADHD post!

Some people seem to feel that AD&D is critical to being a geek somehow.

Some people seem to feel that ADHD is critical to being a geek somehow.

There - fixed.

... unless you're an AI in which case ADD is just another instruction ...

Re:GW Bush

You forgot his Unitary Executive, Misunderestimate Me and Appoint Lackey feats:

Unitary Executive: Ignores rules for character generation. Can ignore any or all rules of combat, at will, as long as Memo of John Woo is in possession.

Misunderestimate Me: Is underestimated for the wrong reasons. Add +6 inherent bonus to Bluff, and a -6 inherent penalty to all Diplomacy rolls made on his behalf, even by another PC or an NPC.

Appoint Lackey: Anyone he appoints to an Administration position takes a -8 inherent penalty to all relevant skills. The only way to avoid this penalty is to not have any skills applicable to the position.

Re:Not funny!

Now I'm going to be moderated a troll by someone who writes parodies of Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. Sigh.

I am the very model of a modern Slashdot forum troll
and when I post and moderate I always will be very droll...