The Ultimate Gaming Table

Johnzo writes: "Wow. Dude's built himself a super-deluxe custom gaming table, with built-in coasters, dice pits, a sound system, lamps for each player, glass inlays for handouts, books and paper storage, an elevated miniatures battlefield, privacy screens for each player, and (best of all) an under-table tube network using hollow gravity-fed balls to deliver secret messages to players. The only way this could possibly be cooler is if he used pneumatics to deliver the messages."

Tea Balls for message spheres

[Anonymous Coward]

Wow. I just want this for Risk!

To player: "Sure, I won't attack you."

(Under the table): "Attack on the next turn! Kamchacka won't know what hit them! BWahahahaha..."

Beautiful furniture

[hugesmile]

I bet Verizon would like to get this guy to design the furniture for their offices to put the $22,000 workstations [com.com] on!

Another feature

[gatekeep]

There's another feature the blurb didn't mention which is sure to be of great benefit to people who would want something like this. It's sized such that it can easily fit in most parent's basements!

Coming up next on Slashdot..

[Chicane-UK]

'Dude' builds himself a new webserver, as the Slashdot crowd help him melt his after only a few minutes! :)

Re:Slashdot effect / bad neighbor?

[Anonymous Coward]

• Actually IIS is smart enough to throttle and reject connections above the set amount with a "Server too busy" message, rather than letting it suck up bandwidth to the beat of the band.

"IIS" and "smart" in the same sentence. I sense a disturbance in the force.

Oops! Forgot one thing.

[Crusty Oldman]

No beer dispenser.

Additional Features

[gleam_mn]

Features not yet mentioned:

1) Makes a perfect girlfriend repellent
2) Eliminates that pesky urge to shower
3) Acts as a cosmic magnet for Trekkies
4) Absorbs excess light to help maintain that lovely shade of "pasty white" you've worked so hard to obtain

The sad part is, ten years ago I would have killed for one :) Now my wife won't let me... :P

Pnuematic

[rbgaynor]

...and (best of all) an under-table tube network using hollow gravity-fed balls to deliver secret messages to players. The only way this could possibly be cooler is if he used pneumatics to deliver the messages.

Sadly I can see where an under the table pneumatic device probably would have appeal to /.ers

Re:Oops! Forgot one thing.

[Roadmaster]

This table appears to be built for roleplaying games.. and trust me, you DON'T want to be dungeon master to a bunch of 15 drunk fellas whose level 20 characters have just been slaughtered by a couple of lucky kobold assassins.

Re:Netcraft reports Slashdot is dying

[[e-mail]]

It's not Karma, it's mana. Specifically, a level 45 Reflective Shield around their server which bounced Slashdot's level 60 spell of Traffic Jam back at itself. Slashdot will be lagged for a few more rounds.

One more feature I'd need...

[NineNine]

A built in hooka in the middle of the table, with pipes going out to all of the player seats. Not *that* would make for a good game table.

Re:Pnuematic

[jyoull]

The gravity-fed secrets are vulnerable to traffic analysis, but not content analysis... so it depends on how and what you're playing.

or just turn up the music at random times, and occasionally send a secret message during one of those noisy intervals.

haiku

[3ryon]

The web page you seek
Has been destroyed by Slashdot
God-damned geek bastards.

Re:Additional Features

[unicron]

"WHERE ARE THE CHEETOS?!"

"Their over there, quit yelling!"

"WHERE'S THE MOUNTAIN DEW?!"

"In the fridge. DUH!"

"I'M GETTING A MOUNTAIN DEW, ANYONE ELSE WANT ONE?"

"NO!"

"I cast Magic Missle!"

"Why are you attacking, their's nothing to attack here."

"I uh, I uh..I attack the darkness."

"Their's an ogre standing in front of you"

"How could there be an ogre in front of me, I had mordiky's magical watchdog cast"

"Actually, you didn't. You never actually bought the components so now their's ogres, deal with it"

"OGRES! I HAVE AN OGRE SLAYING KNIVE +3!"

"Fool, you aren't even in the cave, you're back in town."

"COOL! ROLL TO SEE IF I'M GETTING DRUNK!"

"Yeah, you are."

"ARE THEIR ANY GIRLS THERE?"

"YES!"

"IF THEIR'S ANY GIRLS THERE I WANNA DO EM!"

There you have it. Satan's game. But hey, it's not their fault. It's their gym teachers, for making them feel like crap because they couldn't do one lousy pullup.

Re:Slashdot effect / bad neighbor?

[aardvarkjoe]

Right. Like Slashdot's news is always on the bleeding edge. Waiting a few hours to make this post would have made it completely irrelevant.

I'm convinced that the reason why Taco doesn't bother to cache these pages is that he enjoys the notoriety of the "Slashdot Effect." The excuses in the FAQ are really lame.

Re:Pnuematic

[Ooblek]

What would happen if the pneumatics malfunction? How many MPH can it make a secret message ball eject out of the tube that is probably at about the same level as the family jewels? Talk about a d20 damage roll.....

Re:One more feature I'd need...

[Kintanon]

Sig question,
I've used your .sig as my primary porn locating service for several months, but recently the site went down, is it coming back up? I've had to switch to Ultradonkey.com for my nekkid picture needs.

Kintanon

Re:Additional Features

[meowwmixx]

What, your wife won't let you get one, or she just won't let you kill for one? :P

well...

[Sebby]

TOO BUSY TO COMMENT

Copy of website text in case of Slashdotting

[ALoverOfPeace]

HTTP/1.1 Server Too Busy

Re:One more feature I'd need...

[falzer]

> I've had to switch to Ultradonkey.com for my nekkid picture needs.

That's nothing. I had to switch to goatse.cx.

One more feature that would make it perfect

[Infonaut]

one of those electro-zappers used to such good effect in the first episode of the Simpsons. I can see it now:

Player: "But, I never actually said I was gonna attack the dragon."

DM: "Uh, no, but you yelled out 'Die scumsucking winged lizard!' and told me you were running towards it with your +5 Holy Avenger drawn."

Player: "Yeah, but how do you know the dragon interpreted that as a hostile act?"

DM: (pushes the under-the-table zapper button, jolting the player with a dose of electricity strong enough to take down a rhino)

Hmm.. wait, am I putting too much of my own history into this little scenario?

Re:Additional Features

[Catbeller]

And don't forget capitalization, too.

Save?

[bpfinn]

DM: Um, what's yer save versus Slashdotting?

Dude: 12

DM: Sorry, you didn't save. You are separated from the party, and you lose all your spell points.

Dude: D'oh!

Secret Balls

[Boawk]

and (best of all) an under-table tube network using hollow gravity-fed balls to deliver secret messages to players.

Knowing the geeks I knew in high-school, they'd probably put more than their balls in the under-table tube network.

Re:Coming up next on Slashdot..

[The_dev0]

Dude! You're getting a gaming table!!

Table Builder Claims: "Game Table Gets Chicks!"

[monstermachine]

We at Agyris.net really built the game table to:
- Get Space Chicks. Not just any chicks, mind you, but the really hot klingon ones with thick knees and sharp, pointy armor. We met some down by the river, and they came back with us after they heard about our bitchin' table. Alkhound said that they were just carnies, but I know better.
- Fight Owlbears. We just hate them, so we built the player stations to be too small for their big, furry, hunched backs. They can't even send messages back to the GM because their claws are too damn big to hold the message spheres. We also hate their fur-less asses.
- Promote the Mullet. At Agyris.net we think that the 1984 Mullet should be protected and promoted. The ultimate game table attracts innocent newbie gamers to our personal hygiene lacking hobby. Simply put, more gamers = more mullets!
- Improve the Flavor of Dr. Thunder. Gamers love caffinated drinks, and the ridiculously cheap Dr. Thunder (27 cents per gallon) is certainly no exception. However, since the now famous game table fad of 2002 causes thousands more oily spills than ever before, Walmart will be forced to improve the flavor since there will be a shortage of the horse hide flavoring that they commonly use. ---
We never thought that we'd be featured on Slashdot, but we also never thought that we'd be forced to move out of our parents' basements at the age of 38, due to an official court order. Life is funny.