Playing Games While Not Ruining Your Relationship? 1054
Silicon Mike asks: "A nice sized group of us here at work recently picked up City of Heroes, and started playing together. While all of us were gamers to some extent, now we're all pretty addicted and want to play together online all the time. The problem some of us are running into is that our significant others aren't too happy with us gaming all the time. Other then the two obvious solutions (quit playing or dump the significant other) I'm wondering how other people have deal with it? I tried installing Zoo Tycoon on my other computer and saying 'Look honey, cute bears' but she just didn't bite."
Get the Significant other Involved in the game (Score:3, Interesting)
The secret... (Score:5, Interesting)
My wife turned her nose up at the cute fluffy games that I thought she would like. At first blush I thought perhaps computer games were not going to be something she would like. Then she saw me playing Quake3 Arena one day and has become quite adept at it.
Most importantly is to talk about your game playing habits. Find out why it is a problem for them. This will prevent countless hours of arguing and pouting (on both parts!).
If the problem is "just" because your chores are suffering, then the solution may be as easy as finishing your chores quicker; not finding a game for her so you can say "You play too!".
How I find time to play with my baby daughter (Score:5, Interesting)
Even with other things: I hate doing laundry, and she hates to cook. So I cook and she does the laundry (mostly because I'm a much better cook though).
It is all about compromise, but as long as you can both come to an agreement that works it would be an issue.
-i
Several Recent Reports (Score:2, Interesting)
Notice of full disclosure: I broke up with one girlfriend after the release of Warcraft II for the Mac, it was just such a cool game and she really did talk too much while I was TRYING TO DESTROY THE PUNY HUMANS.
M
Adapt (Score:2, Interesting)
As a recent newlywed (ok it's almost 1 year..:)), I would suggest talking it out with the SO. In counseling classes, they caught us that communication is the best way to solve a dispute. Ask your SO to voice her issue, such as "Your is making me feel . What can we do about it?" The importance is keeping the chain of communication open, otherwise your relationship is doomed.
Try writing this down on a sheet of paper, suggest possible solutions, and apply a strict timeline for implementation. This "contract" gives you distinct goals, for instance in your case you could suggest that gaming will occur on Sundays and Tuesdays, while the rest of the time is hers. It will provide you an amicable way to solve your SO problems, while showing to her that you are dedicated to the relationship and willing to adjust to her needs. However, remember you can do the same back if she has any annoying habits. I should probably sit down with my wife about the rinsing of dishes.... Anyways, as the guy married for 15 years said, it's all about sacrifices.
I play Desert Combat, and let me tell you I don't play nearly as much as I wish I could :). However, sometimes it is better to sit down and talk about what happened in the paper than risk the wrath of your SO being angry :).
Good luck!!! Good luck!Solution (Score:2, Interesting)
Re:Adulthood calls... (Score:5, Interesting)
Re:Adulthood calls... (Score:4, Interesting)
Ah yes...I believe normal people do things like take walks, for us it's "maybe we can fit another mission in before bedtime!"
I feel so pathetic...and yet wonderful.
So my suggestion to the slashdot crowd is to meet girls ON the games...but then...they aren't always girls
go ahead, mod me troll (Score:4, Interesting)
Its no wonder geeks are lonely. They have no interpersonal skills. Not that I'm so much better, I really screwed up my last relationship via 'harmless' personal time to dawdle and hack together various computer bits, only realzing too late that I could have spent that time on picnics or walks through the park or taking in a good movie or discussing a book or learning something about my ex that I didn't know before.
I'll say it again: CHERISH AND APPRECIATE EVERY MOMENT with your significant other. They are choosing to be with you and if you continue to debase them by ignoring them for video games, you'll get what you deserve: a broken heart and a bunch of uncaring unfeeling pixels staring back at you in your emptiness.
Re:The secret... (Score:2, Interesting)
compromise (Score:2, Interesting)
Get her involved in something she likes. (Score:2, Interesting)
Zoo Tycoon is the wrong choice (Score:1, Interesting)
Have kids! (Score:2, Interesting)
Now I look forward to when they're old enough to school me in the latest FPS. Then I expect video games to start sneaking their way back in to my life. Some of my earliest memories of video games are playing with my Dad... and how he was the best gamer in the world, no one could beat him.
I can't wait to introduce them to the games I grew up with. I hope they enjoy playing them with me as much as I enjoyed playing them with my Dad.
Re:Zoo Tycoon?! (Score:1, Interesting)
Compulsive gaming (Score:3, Interesting)
My solution (Score:2, Interesting)
After we play for a couple of hours we settle down have dinner maybe watch a little Slayers.
Thankfully though I haven't had to deal with an overly addictive game since I started dating again. I guess my solution would just be introduce her and get her hooked
Unreal Tournament 2003... (Score:1, Interesting)
Animal Crossing (Score:4, Interesting)
Managing the rift (Score:2, Interesting)
(I've been married 18 years and counting, so my solution may or may not be germane to your situation.)
Here's what I did. I'm co-founder of a City of Heroes SuperGroup called the Spandex Avengers on the Infinity server. My parter-in-crime, Chump, is single and freely admits that he has no life. I have a wife, two kids, two dogs, two cats, and too many things to juggle to even hope to keep up with Chump. We looked at this early on and came up with a solution: multiple characters.
My buddy gets home and hops online at 4:30 pm CDT. He may or may not eat. He plays his primary character and either soloes or finds team-mates and levels up his character.
I get home around 6:30. I make dinner and do the dishes while listening to my son read to me and ask homework questions. If I'm grilling or baking something that doesn't require supervision, we'll go outside and shoot some hoops or throw the ball around. We sit down and eat and then I finish helping him with his homework. We're all finished with family stuff by 8:30, at which point my wife sits down in the Living Room to do crafts while watching TV. I sit down at my gaming rig in the Dining Room, don my headset mic, and log on to TeamSpeak and CoH. I'm close enough to my wife for her to get my attention and far enough that I'm not afflicted by TV and she's not afflicted by my games.
Chump logs off his main character and we grab our team characters based on a second, themed SuperGroup, TK421 (why aren't you at your post?). He's TK421.01, I'm
By playing two characters, we allow for times when he's playing twice the hours that I am while allowing us to keep a second character at roughly equal levels, thus preserving the experience.
It's possible to play an addictive game and maintain a relationship, but it takes a very solid understanding of all the variables. This arrangement works for me - ymmv.
Regards,
Phritz / TK421.02
Get A Life (Score:3, Interesting)
When you are old and gray, or when the game loses its luster, you will want the woman in your life to still be interested in you, not some other guy.
I think you need to evaluate your priorities for life. Choose instant gratification (the game) or long term comfort and satisfaction (the woman, with a little luck and a little more effort.)
Gah! Slashdot.
Be careful...... (Score:2, Interesting)
Of course two people aren't going to spend all of their free time together and my wife doesn't particularly understand or care for my game playing (until I explained it to her in her terms, "Oh, it's like going shopping, but on the TV and you don't buy anything? Cool.")
I think a lot of geeks (guys especially) go through game-playing phases in their lives. I went through mine in my mid-20's. But I grew out of it, as the game was virtually the same thing every night and one night, I just realized it. Staying up til 3am playing just wasn't as fun anymore. So I went to bed and now play when I have some free time or feel like doing something different. It makes for a far better experience overall.
Typically when you're going through that game playing phase, being in a good, healthy relationship isn't always possible. The best thing to do is accept it, accept your priorities in your life right now, and either dump the SO or reduce the game playing to reasonable levels. Your choice.
My solution to this same problem (Score:2, Interesting)
She bought her own copy, now we play together.. everyone's happy.. I come home from work sometimes and she's already stuck in front of her computer, killing Clockworks....
Re:There is a world out there (Score:3, Interesting)
There's something you are not mentioning, it goes to the root of education. To you, learning C from a book and some print outs WAS fun. It had to be, or you wouldn't have stuck with it. The idea of learning a skill was what made you happy.
I'm seeing a dearth of this lately. I had to do some recent hires, and I just flat out started looking for the people who showed interest in learning.
Some applicants had more certifications, from a mill mostly, but I was looking for the guy who taught himself scripting on the Linux box he setup at home. Somebody whose hobby was doing something creative, perhaps using a computer.
I'd also bring up gaming in the interview, what video games the person liked, etc. If they felt it was a social bridge question, they latched right onto it, talking about what games they liked. Others saw it as a trap, and (perhaps) fibbed about it, saying they hardly gamed at all, when I thought that was probably not true.
In fact, the question was neither a trap or a digression, I wanted to see who revealed what by discussions about gaming, and what kind of gaming they did. If they jammed at FPS, I tended to mark that as potential attention span issue. If they played alot of EQ or RPG, I also noted that as potentially compulsive. I was looking for people who liked adventure games, like the often derided MYST or Prince of Persia. Puzzle solvers scored extra points in the interview.
Not everyone is going to enjoy just learning a skill, un-assisted, from a book. I'm not sure with the generation of new hires coming from college, you will get many people who acquired skills that way.
Re:Wrong crowd... (Score:4, Interesting)
Heavily team-oriented games tend to lend themselves to this sort of balance: A large number (three or four) unskilled players can take down a skilled player with a decent plan (which can be easily derived by one of the most skilled players which is on the same team as the unskilled). Pretty much any one-on-one game (such as WarCraft III) does not lend itself to this sort of play, in spite of some attempts to balance through handicaps (Soul Calibur II is a good example of a game that attempts to balance through a handicap, and fails [for extreme circumstances]).
Re:Adulthood calls... (Score:3, Interesting)
PDA (w/ keyboard) + NetHack + Simple Job (Score:2, Interesting)
Re:There is a world out there (Score:2, Interesting)
I believe the games I've played, especially RTS games have helped me actually multitask better in real life. There was a recent survey where doctors polled who played video games were found to be able to perform procedures faster and with less complications than non-gamers. Pretty interesting info to refute the "stop wasting your life on gaming" claims.
So, based on your post I'd offer the following suggestion. If you want to look down your nose at gamers who play while "working", feel free. That's just not right. But many gamers play on their own time and also somehow find room for relationships and time to bone up on skills, get certs, and even degrees.
Re:Adulthood calls... (Score:4, Interesting)
Not here. Not w/my wife. (Man, she's awesome!)
We both have needs for time alone. We both get it by acknowledging this need.
I'm *required* to pay attention to her when she's talking to me about "relevant" (kids, money, etc) things, and she's *required* to listen to me when I want to talk about 'relevant' things (software, client conversations and contracts, etc)
Everything else is fair game for the axe. As in - "I'm sorry, but I'm really not interested in this right now" or "Do you mind if I (X/Y/Z) right now?".
Your choices extend beyond Games/GF.
How about telling her your concerns? Rather than say "Jesus, chick, you b0r3z me!", try "A conversation is a 2-say activity, and I find it difficult to engage in this conversation because I don't feel you are interested in what I have to say".
Interestingly enough, I find that I DO find my wife's interests far more interesting when I feel she's interested in mine. You may find that she really IS interested, and that you are just assuming she isn't!
Other than that, another good piece of advice is to NEVER, NEVER, NEVER allow for insults. Just don't do it. Never "bitch! / asshole!". Rather, say "I feel the urge to call you a bitch because NNNNN"
This leads to a solution, rather than exacerbating the miscommunication. Sounds crazy and "shrink-ish" but in my case, these attempts at more direct and meaningful communication have worked amazingly well.
It does take time - lots of it, and for me, it's well worth it!
a womans answer (Score:2, Interesting)
i love to play games too. my favorite is currently silent hill or (my evergreen) worms.
but, if my boy-friend gets home i QUIT my game-session and spend time with him. i don`t do that because it's expected.i do that because i want to. i think this is the jumping point: it's a sign of attention.
of course your significant others are going mad if you spend the whole evening playing games.
perhaps your problems could be solved if you first talk about nonsens in which she`s interested and then play your lovely games? try it!
(sorry for my bad english)
Let me get this straight....... (Score:3, Interesting)
Assuming your SO is not a vengful Rosanne Barr - like cow your problem is NOT time management.
It is perspective and I don't mean the kind that can be improved from drawing classes.
Steve
do "victims" have anything to say? (Score:3, Interesting)
you will probably say that that's because SO's aren't geeks and don't read slashdot
well, you might be right, however then you're implying that the concepts of "geek" and "gamer" are being equated
can i not be a geek if i am not a gamer?
but, i'm getting slightly off topic...
i am that significant other who had to deal with the boyfriend-gamer...we went through many stages in our relationship (with respect to videogames): when i did not care at first, when it went way over the limits because every possible free-from-classes-and-work moment was dedicated to gaming, when we were on the edge of breaking up, when he stopped playing completely because he was afraid of ruining the relationship (i guess), to me pre-ordering Half Life 2 for his birthday
i don't know if i am ready to deal with the gaming issue completely: i don't care right now, but maybe i will later
i am afraid it will get out-of-hand as it once did
my major issue with gaming is how unreal and impersonal it seems to be...the most i could ever handle playing is tetris, for about 10 minutes, and then i would just get sick of it
and because i value personal interactions so much, i get very upset when my SO does not seem to do that as much as i do
i have high standards, and he knows about it
so, i was very glad that there are still gamers who, through getting to know their SOs better, start to value personal interactions over the "unreal" ones
Re:Wrong crowd... (Score:4, Interesting)
Co-operative play is what's missing, that's all. When the skilled player can help the unskilled player, all's fine and dandy. For me, I've spent countless hours playing Bubble Bobble with my girlfriend - the funny thing about this being that she introduced me to it (years ago I mentioned that I'd found this great thing called MAME that emulates old arcardes, and her first question was whether I could find a copy of bubble bobble). She was brilliant at it (she'd got through all 100 levels when she was much younger) but since the two player mode is co-operative it was easy for me to learn it and become good at it too.
Actually, Bubble Bobble's a great game for significant others to play - the graphics are cute (if old), the game is non-violent and the gameplay is probably some of the best ever created - even today it is challenging, fast and continuously interesting, especially as you progress through the levels.
For those who are interested, the rom's called bublbobr.zip IIRC
girl gamer.... (Score:3, Interesting)
Re:Adulthood calls... (Score:3, Interesting)
Knowing someone is willing to turn his/her attention to you without looking bored or distracted is a sign of respect. That's what's important, in my opinion.
Re:There is a world out there (Score:3, Interesting)
Hmmmrppphhh..
Well, yes...and, no.
I've had my own business. I built it from scratch in a town with a horseshit economy; and while I wasn't by any means successful, I did manage to pay the bills for more than half a decade.
Right now I work for someone who gives absolute trust to his employees. He's been burned before - he and I talk about that, because I moved here from somewhere where trust was a joke; but it's here, now, as it is.
He knows that I have the ability to move on; after a year, I haven't - I make the excuse to myself that I'm still learning the people here after moving cold; but that's not all it is. He knows that I will move on. He inherited his business, and also paid for it, in learning and busting his ass. I don't feel that I'm any less an adult for giving loyalty to someone who gives his loyalty to those who work for him, and who puts in more hours than any of us do. Neither do I feel that one needs to be, or should be considered, not 'grownup' for doing so.
As much as I loved having my own business, I can't say that I could make my own life around it - 25/8, as you know. Owning/operating your own leaves, often, too little time for the kind of life that this thread was talking about. Living with it sucks, and living without it sucks. As with everything else when it comes to making a living, there is no middle ground, no place that doesn't have it's drawbacks.
One thing that I've enjoyed in the last year, is not being On Call 24/7, as it was when I had my own biz. Maybe I'm burnt out, maybe not. As you sort of pointed out (and I wonder whether or not you really understand it, but then we don't know each other) there are other things in life that are just as, or more important.
(to which I wonder why you did not talk about the subject of the original article; to wit, having a family; but hey
Cheers!
SB
Good grades and a happy girlfriend (Score:3, Interesting)
Easy to fix (Score:2, Interesting)
It doesn't matter how, take her through the char creation if you must. Chicks dig that. Thats how I got my SO into DAOC. Once she saw the cute little elf girl she just had to play. YMMV
If she ends up playing it she loves you. Otherwise, dump her she's not worth it lol.
Re:Adulthood calls... (Score:1, Interesting)
Re:Bah. and double Bah (Score:2, Interesting)
Find her a game she really likes instead of insulting her intelligence and gender.
YES! I would be insulted if my boyfriend said something like that to me and actually meant it. Then I'd go play Halo to work off my aggression ;)
Too lazy to grep the suggestions... (Score:3, Interesting)
"Too much words" this early for me.
Why don't you try to get the girlfriends together for a girls' night out or something similar? Fund it the first time, and then less and less funding until they're doing things on their own.
You could try getting 'the girls' into some of the GameCube multiplayer games (Mario Party, Super Smash Brothers, Mystic Heroes, etc.), and they could have "game night" while "the boys" are playing.
Those are games that we play when we have friends over, and even our non-hardcore-gaming friends can get into beating each other up.
Luckily, I don't have this problem. My husband and I like the same types of games, especially the multi-player ones. We're both NOT PC gamers, both NOT FPS gamers, etc. Console gamers, both, usually GC, usually from the couch with the wavebird.
The other alternative is to curb your gaming some to spend time with the girly. Compromise some. Spend one night you'd normally game doing something nice with her. "Honey, I thought that we could go to a movie or dinner (or stay in with a video) instead of me gaming tonight." would probably do wonders. I'm not saying quit, just cut back a bit if you want to keep the girl.
No girl likes to be ignored, and it's easy (as a geek) to get tunnel vision. If you focus on the games too long, though, you'll have the game, and lose the girl without too much effort.
Lure (Score:3, Interesting)
I solved this issue with my wife by being sneaky. I left out my gba sp with a certain game in it that happens to rhyme with hokemon. She is now so hooked, that I had to buy myself a new gba sp and am looking into getting a gc with coliseum on it.
Thing is, she is into horses. I do not ride - something about two bad experiences with horses. Therefore, normally I get to sit and watch her ride; watch the horse eat grass, etc... I just game then. I helped the owners hook up WIFI (with WPA thank you very much) all over their land. You can pick up a signal any were. Therefore, I do my gaming in the middle of a grass pasture watching a horse eat grass.
If you get a woman that wants all of you free time and will not give you any 'useless' gaming time, you need to sit her down and talk with her. It is your hobby. Point out her 'useless' hobbies that she drags you along on. Be honest but fair with her. If she still throws a fit, I would guess it would be time to start shopping for a new one.
Re:Wrong crowd... (Score:5, Interesting)
As someone else put it: if I thought all-out cut-throat back-stabbing competition was fun, I'd have went to business school.
As early as the text-based MUD's it was known that you basically get 4 types of players:
- socializers (like to talk and interact with other players)
- achievers (want to have the biggest score)
- explorers (not just exploring geography, but also every bit of game mechanics)
- killers (basically hostile to other players. Not just competing for the highest frag count, like an achiever would, but actually wanting to annoy, humiliate, keep others from playing, etc.)
See Bartle's paper for more detail.
And it baffles me that most games catter either to killer-achievers or plain old killers, but pretty much every single non-MMO online game thoroughly ignores the other three categories. Pretty much every single multiplayer game nowadays is about playing _against_ other players, and not together with them.
It's not even a new problem. Even aside from Bartle's paper, there have been countless articles and flame-wars on MUD boards, explaining that some people explicitly do _not_ want to play _against_ other players. And why.
But no, every new multiplayer game just _has_ to catter to the same overcrowded market segment, and ignore everyone else.
This industry truly baffles me.
Re:Wrong crowd... (Score:4, Interesting)
So based on this plus a sampling of discussions with people who worked on other games that the core problem is an overrepresentation of the killer point of view among developers.
My approach (as a married man) (Score:2, Interesting)
I have gamed on/off most of my life, and wasn't really gaming much when I met my wife (although 6 months previous, I was on EverCrack). Last year for Xmas I wanted to get back into some video gaming systems on console... I did my regular homework to get up to speed on pros/cons of the platforms but took some other things into consideration.
I ended up getting a Nintendo Gamecube for a few reasons. My wife likes Mario Kart, so I got Double Dash and it's an instant gratification that's great for multi-player. The controllers are relatively small - my wife's hands are smaller, and it'll be good for when our son is old enough to play. Also, there's almost no connectivity - mainly considered a big con on the system but the upshot to me is that while I can play games I love (e.g. Metroid Prime) it's always where I left it when I shut it off and I don't miss anything.
There are also more games that aren't about gore - if you feel women don't tend to gravitate towards those games you can consider that a pro, but also there are plenty of games to balance out violent games when my son is playing it. Realistically he will see/play games that are bloody, whether at friend's house or on my GC, but at least this way there's some balance.
I also love the abundance of single-room (multiplayer maybe, but not online) strategy games so he can play games that involve persistence and concentration and actually develop that little noggin rather than just feeding it frags all the time. I can't wait to tell it's possible to beat Splinter Cell with 1 actual kill in the whole game.