Whippersnappers Bad-Mouth Old Games

1up.com has posted the second in an article series called "Child's Play", where they invite youngsters to experience the joys of classic gaming to hilarious effect. From the (sob) article: "Bobby: After you beat the Death Star level, there should be a snow level, then a small speeder bike level. They should make a Matrix game in the theme of Star Wars. So then you take out your sword and run up to a guy and go, "Chiiing!" And after you saw through his head, you fly inside your X-wing."

Where's the Death Star level of Slashdot?

[Cold Winter Days]

This one's getting boring.

Perhaps they should have played Wolf3D!

[garcia]

From the article, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried:

Bobby: It's probably because the Nazis felt bad having a cement fighting place, so they put little trampolines under-

Parker: Wait. What do Nazi's have to do with it?

Bobby: Because Zangief is a Nazi.

EGM: He's Russian. Not German.

Garret: He's a communist.

Bobby: Then why is Zangief's place a Nazi place?

EGM: It's not.

Bobby: Yes it is-it had a Nazi sign on the cement.

Parker: It couldn't have been. They wouldn't have let that in videogames.

Bobby: Whatever.

This proves it... Video games DO rot the brains of young and impressionable children. They wouldn't have allowed a swastika in a video game? Pure blasphemy [areyep.com] I say, plain and simple. We need to bring back video games that teach children some history. They should at least be able to recognize a swastika in a video game!

If your child's video games aren't teaching them valuable lessons about World History who is?

kids say the darndest things...

[sailforsingapore]

Those little punks need some sense beaten into them. I think it would be appropriate to administer a severe beating to each by smacking them upside the head repeatedly with an old Atari joystick, then pistol whipping them with a Nintendo light gun.

Or, maybe I'm just over-reacting because the artical makes me feel old.

Darn Whippersnappers

[Anonymous Coward]

Back in my day, we didn't have consoles at home. We had to walk uphill, both ways, to the video arcade. And we had to put tokens in the machines. We didn't have quarters because of the war. But the point of the story is, I had an onion on my belt.

Downhill After Sierra's Classics

[hexed_2050]

Everything went downhill after Sierra stopped making their classic Space Quest series, King's Quest series and the such. These were games that actually look some sort of cognitive abilities and sometimes puzzles could stump you for days depending on how you viewed a certain situation. These days, it's all about point and click and there is no more typing "look east", "east", "throw midget east".

Seriously.. I think I remember having to throw a midget once, but for the life of me I can't remember which game it was in.

In my day, we didn't even have pong

[scotay]

We had to tie a flashlight to a string and hit it with badminton rackets. Kids today don't know how easy they have it and are way too spoiled. Thankfully, social security will be broke buy the time they retire and they will have to sell their organs just to buy catfood. I'll be laughing at them from the grave.

this article is missing...

[bje2]

i feel like this article should've featured Bill Cosbby asking the questions, while plying them with Jello Pudding pops...

These kids aren't all bad...

[Rahga]

Proof that kids can relate to the older generation:

Dillon: And to think 20 years from now, people are going to think, "Oh, you're playing [GameCube Zelda game] Wind Waker? That's boring."

EGM: What will you say when your kids say Wind Waker looks boring?

Parker: Get out of my house. You're out of my will.

Re:Like the first one...

[Harbinjer]

Yeah, I was really wondering if 11 year olds have gotten so much more mature than they used to be.

Sociopaths in training!

[Faust7]

Video games DO rot the brains of young and impressionable children.

...and turns them into homicidal maniacs:

EGM: Do you feel bad about shooting the humans?

Parker: No, that's my only amusement in this game.

You youngsters with your colored graphics...

[Anonymous Coward]

When I was a kid we played Zork.

And we liked it.

Re:what about the best clasic game ever...

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm not a whippersnapper and I hate it.

That's no whippersnapper...

[Tackhead]

> They should make a Matrix game in the theme of Star Wars. So then you take out your sword and run up to a guy and go, "Chiiing!"

...that's Raph Koster of SOE, responsible for SWG:A Galaxy of Melee Combat.

> And after you saw through his head, you fly inside your X-wing."

Oh, give up up, Raph. Nobody's playing SWG:Jump to Lightspeed either.

Re:This can't be real

[TrollBridge]

You really have to wonder when Rachel says something like "I like this game because I can do all these things that are so against what I'd ever do in reality. Of course eventually the boundary between reality and video game will become blurred, and I will be compelled to act out my violent fantasies against my classmates. And it's all because evil corporations prey on weak, susceptible minds like mine, so they can desensitize me to violence and demand more and more violent video games."

'Old-Fashioned Games!'

[koganuts]

Funny timing.

Last weekend I was at the Gameworks in Las Vegas, and was playing a Ms. Pac-Man machine that was next to a few other vintage arcade machines (Robotron, Centipede, Xevious, Missile Command) that were standing alongside a wall in an alcove.

Enter a group of kids.

One of them says, "Hey, look! Old-fashioned games!"

I couldn't help but utter a Homer Simpson-esque, "D'oh!" in response. :(

Kids these days..

[jagilbertvt]

Everytime my son sees a game that I'm playing that he likes, and says "Can I play this when I get older" I say "sure, but the graphics will suck" Starting him off right, I tell ya :) (he's 5).

What is this?

[bje2]

What is this? Dawson's Creek? 10-13 year olds don't talk like this in real life...

Re:Star Wars Arcade!!!

[byolinux]

£3 is currently about $900, too ;)

Bwahahaha!

[st0rmshad0w]

"EGM: Now imagine you've reached the 10th stage, and you're on your last life. Once you die and you put another quarter in, you don't just continue from there--you start all over.

Parker: Are you serious?

EGM: Yep. When you lose all your lives, you have to start over. You don't keep going.

Parker: And you guys back then were OK with this?"

Hehe, suck it punk, you with your continues and save points!

I remember slugging my way thru those classics like Defender and Galaga.

Imagine playing any new console game with nowhere to start but the beginning. Then we'd really see who had the skillz.

Hehe.

Re:what about the best clasic game ever...

[buffer-overflowed]

The earliest game i really enjoyed was wolf3d, and still play it every one and a whild, but I dont want to spend money on an old consile (atari)

Uhhh.... My head asplode.

Re:Nostalgia is overrated.

[Anonymous Coward]

ahh... I remember when nostalgia wasn't overrated. Now THOSE were the good ol' days....

Re:Wel

[wheany]

No no no no, the official opinion is that modern games are pretty but have crappy gameplay. Fall back in line!

Eric and the Dread Gazebo

[robyannetta]

The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo
by Richard Aronson [[e-mail]]

In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game", and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games, he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.
Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:

ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: [pause] It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: [pause] It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: [pause] I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: [pause] I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow. [roll to hit] What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: [pause] Wasn't it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!
ERIC: [whimper] But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: [long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.] I run away.
ED: [thoroughly frustrated] It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: [reaching for his dice] Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin.

At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have been worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy gnoll. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. A little vocabulary is a dangerous thing.

The above is Copyright © 1989 by Richard Aronson. Reprinted with permission. The author grants permission to reprint as long as all copyright notices remain with the text.

Re:Yeah, so what

[mrak and swepe]

You young whippersnapper.

I have a collection of silent radio plays.

Hey Hey 16k!

[aWalrus]

Ok, this is just begging to be posted:

Hey Hey 16k [b3ta.com]

Awesome-est animation about nostalgia games ever.

Re:This does not bode well for the current generat

[Doctor Crumb]

I agree! Pong is SOOO much better when you imagine you are really playing Ping pong! the excitement!

Re:what about the best clasic game ever...

[bladesjester]

Just wait until you hear "The earliest game I really enjoyed was [Halo2|Doom3]"

I'm only 24 and the wolf3d statement made me feel a bit old heh

You had to use your imagination back then

[AtariAmarok]

"I have a collection of silent radio plays"

Ah, that brings back memories. You really had to use your imagination to enjoy those silent radio plays of yesteryear.

Now you've got me going. I'm waxing nostalgic about playing "Mario Bros" in the sewers with real plumbing tools.

Meh. The more things change...

[fluxrad]

Kids these days have no respect for the older stuff. Why, I remember when my grandpa showed me this black and white TV. I remember thinking: This TV is awesome! Why on earth did I buy a 34" Sony DLP Hi-Def set when I could have a classic like this 1965 Zenith with tuner knob!

You can keep it old-school if that's what you're into. [howstuffworks.com]

this is a very OLD fake article

[Anonymous Coward]

you people havent exactly got your fingers on the internet pulse, have you?

Re:kids say the darndest things...

[sailforsingapore]

Well, I see someone has their Pull-Ups in a bunch today.

Re:Perhaps they should have played Wolf3D!

[snorklewacker]

C'mon, nothing compares to the cracks about Adventure:


Bobby: A duck ate me.

EGM: A what ate you?

Parker: A pink duck.

EGM: What do you think this character's name is?

Parker: Dot. Or Adventure? That's what this game is, isn't it? Go up, go up, go up.

Bobby: Stupid duck. I hate the duck. The duck is evil.

Parker: Go left, go left. Grab the arrow. That's the only way you can kill the duck. You have to run that into the duck.

Garret: It's a spear or something.

Bobby: [Enters castle] I'm just going to store all my keys and useless stuff in here. I'm going to store my duck in there.

EGM: Do you identify with this dot?

Garret: No. The dot is small. I am not.

Bobby: Yeah. My best friend, he looks just like this dot: small, handsome, and adventurous.

EGM: How long would you put up with this game?

Garret: Five more minutes.

Funny article, but I notices one interesting thing

[bebing]

I think they were interviewed by Eliza: Garret: That's not Tyson. Are you kidding me? Mike Tyson does not have a handlebar mustache, and he's not white. EGM: So those are the two things that make you think that's not Tyson? Bobby: A duck ate me. EGM: A what ate you? Parker: Did this game do really well? EGM: Would it surprise you if it did?

Why they're going to destroy us

[DesScorp]

Yeah, we're older, wiser, more expierienced, right? Those kids are no match for us, right?

"With its five buttons and save-the-humans mission, Defender was one of the most complex games in arcade history."

Bobby: "I've played this on my cell phone."

We're doomed...

Re:Nostalgia is overrated.

[ObiWanKenblowme]

As for looking forward to the future, the French would say: "The more things change, the more things stay the same."

Except they'd probably say it in French.

Re:Perhaps they should have played Wolf3D!

[EnronHaliburton2004]

7 year olds don't need to learn about camping with a sniper rifle, fraging people with crowbars, or chopping off heads

Someone should create a FPS where you run around shooting the other kids with rubber bands, riding down the slide head first without getting caught by the teacher, jumping onto the swings without waiting in line and avoiding having your lunch money stolen by the school bully.

If mom catches you and makes you blow your nose, you loose. Mom spit -- the Universal Solvent.

Re:what about the best clasic game ever...

[ObiWanKenblowme]

Bah! Those all had graphics. Sit them down in front of a Commodore 64 with a copy of Zork on a 5.25" floppy. Nine times out of ten, you'd go into a dark room and get eaten by a grue, but that 10th time when you figure out how to get one step farther before going into a dark room and getting eaten by a grue? That really made those hours and hours all worth it!

Re:Like the first one...

[jpmahala]

i wasn't stupid when i was 11, i was fixing TVs and my friends' game consoles.

But you still haven't been able to find the shift key on your keyboard?

Re:Downhill After Sierra's Classics

[servognome]

These days, it's all about point and click and there is no more typing "look east", "east", "throw midget east".
Bah you don't even have to point and click anymore, its all automated [progressquest.com] now

Re:Staying the same?

[Anonymous Coward]

Sure but I bet if you're reincarnated as a cockroatch you'll feel pretty nostalgic about back when you used to post on slashdot and all. Not that cockroaches have enough brains to ponder such things. Ah the irony of it all. ;)

Re:Darn Whippersnappers

[sstern]

We were stuck in a maze of twisty little passages, or was it in a twisty maze of little passages, or maybe a little maze of twisty passages. And we liked it.

Re:Wel

[Anonymous Coward]

Dear Sir,

In your above post, you mistakenly reference two games that decidedly did not suck. They did, in fact, rule. Random, pointless carnage and insanity are fun for all. Please correct this oversight at your next earliest convenience.

Sincerely,
Everybody

Re:Like the first one...

[freeze128]

You know you have become an adult when you start bitching about how retarded the next generation is.

Dude, you better not be dissing Star Trek....

Re:Downhill After Sierra's Classics

[brer_rabbit]

And don't forget Leisure Suit Larry, which is where most Slashdoters believe they lost their virginity.

Re:what about the best clasic game ever...

[Sj0]

Text games are the bane of all articulate, imaginative humans.

There is an enemy in front of you.
>KICK HIM IN THE CROTCH.
I'm sorry, I don't know how to CROTCH.
>ATTACK HIM WITH YOUR SWORD
I'm sorry, I don't know how to ATTACK.
>TRY TO REASON WITH HIM
I'm sorry, I don't know how to TRY.
>ATTACH THE SWORD TO THE CHANDALEIR HANGING FROM THE CEILING AND SWING IT AT HIM
I'm sorry, that's a good idea.
>USE INVENTORY TO CREATE A COMPLICATED ASSAULT WEAPON
The clouds are pretty outside.
>USE SWORD ON ENEMY
You use the sword. He dies.
>FUCKER.
Don't swear.

LOL Bobby!

[Icephreak1]

Regarding Mike Tyson's Punchout..

Garret: "Mike Tyson" is bad publicity for this game.

Parker: Nothing is bad publicity.

Garret: Maybe Mr. T is Nintendo's marketing director. Mike Tyson was all like, "I'm gonna eat your dogs, I'm gonna eat your kids."

Rachel: I'm not really one who likes eating people.

Bobby: I'm gonna eat your momma.

Bobby o'er yonder, all ten years of him, is quite a way ahead of his time.

- IP

Re:Perhaps they should have played Wolf3D!

[mekkab]

those 11-year-olds had more articulate observations to make than most of the stuff posted on Slashdot,

WTF?! STFU!!11 OMG I'm totally asuper geneuous compared to a moran like you!!!!11111one!

Re:Like the first one...

[prockcore]

But you still haven't been able to find the shift key on your keyboard?

i don't know about him, but i drive an automatic keyboard.. i don't need to shift.

Re:One more time, just for fun

[Ryosen]

"sic" is an editorial note indicating that a misspelling or grammatical error was made intentionally. Invariably, it is within a quoted phrase.

For example:

Wjat [sic] in the nine layers of hell does "sic" mean?

Re:Like the first one...

[Anonymous Coward]

Captain Obvious returns once more to save the day!!