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Games Entertainment

Can You Handle 'THEY'? 100

Posted by Zonk from the oh-games dept.
In a refreshing turn, over at Newsweek's LevelUp blog N'Gai has some suitably chastising commentary on the newly-announced FPS entitled simply THEY. This overly-simplistic name is accompanied by a nearly informationless press release, and reinforces the idea that whatever THEY is, it's not worth looking into. "Generally, the role of a press release is to inform. But having read the THEY press release, all we've taken away from it is hyperbole and buzzwords, assembled Mad Libs-style for maximum unintended hilarity. What is THEY? Apparently, THEY is a 'next generation mystery first person shooter for PC and next generation consoles.' Who are THEY, you ask? ''THEY' are huge--'THEY' are different--'THEY' are hostile!' How good will THEY be? It's 'so mysterious, so stunning and so amazing--that 'THEY' might become one of the most anticipated world premiere titles from this year's Games Convention!'"
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Can You Handle 'THEY'? More

Can You Handle 'THEY'?

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  • Where did I hear that before... SEGWAY (Score:3, Funny)

    by gurps_npc ( 621217 ) on Tuesday July 31, 2007 @07:24PM (#20064553) Homepage
    OH YEAH, when THEY were talking about the little electric scooter wither a strange control system that THEY thought would 'revolutionize' travel.

    Turned out to be a joke THEY called Segway.

    • Re: (Score:1)

      by Paktu ( 1103861 )
      I remember when it was first getting discussed (under the code name "Ginger") they were talking about how it would "revolutionize transportation in cities" and a lot of people, myself included, thought it might be a personal jetpack. When the product materialized, it was a huge letdown and almost no one wanted to shell out five grand for one.
    • You've got your pronouns/inventors mixed up. Dean Kamen's Segway was known as "It." "They" is the legal name of the guy that invented ground-effect lighting and sunglasses with shades over them. [shadeseyewear.com]

      I remember him from an NPR interview. [npr.org]

  • From the makers of... (Score:5, Funny)

    by Senjutsu ( 614542 ) on Tuesday July 31, 2007 @07:28PM (#20064585)
    gabbo Gabbo GABBO

  • Features? (Score:5, Funny)

    by Paktu ( 1103861 ) on Tuesday July 31, 2007 @07:30PM (#20064603)
    From the feature list: unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons what the fuck does that mean?

    • Re:Features? (Score:5, Funny)

      by dr_strang ( 32799 ) on Tuesday July 31, 2007 @07:37PM (#20064655)

      From the feature list: unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons what the fuck does that mean?
      If it means what it sounds like it means, that's seriously creepy.

      • If it means what it sounds like it means, that's seriously creepy.

        If anyone brags about banging Charlene, I'm outt'a here.

      • If it means what it sounds like it means, that's seriously creepy.
        Kind of makes you re-think what BFG means, doesn't it?

    • Re:Features? (Score:5, Funny)

      by Kesch ( 943326 ) on Tuesday July 31, 2007 @07:38PM (#20064689)
      This is my BFG. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
      My BFG is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
      My BFG, without me, is useless. Without my BFG, I am useless. I must fire my BFG true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will...
      My BFG and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...
      My BFG is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will ever guard it against the ravages of weather and damage as I will ever guard my legs, my arms, my eyes and my heart against damage. I will keep my BFG clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...
      Before God, I swear this creed. My BFG and myself are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life...
      So be it, until victory is humanity's and there is no enemy, but peace!
      • I immediately thought of Full Metal Jacket when the GP mentioned "loving" your weapons. Also, don't forget:

        This is my weapon.
        This is my gun.
        This is for fighting.
        This is for fun.

        • Re: (Score:2, Interesting)

          by Anonymous Coward
          It goes:

          This is my rifle.
          This is my gun. ...

          You missed the whole point of the drill, which is to pick up the correct and precise designations of the equipment and armament, which is essential for efficient, terse and comprehensive communication in the battle, without too much explaining (like this) over the channel. "Gun" can mean a lot of things, from pistol to cannon and that much ambiguity is unacceptable in armed forces communications. Rifle, OTOH, is a firearm with long, rifled barrel, basic infantry w
          • Yeah, I knew it was rifle, but for some reason my hands typed weapon. Probably because I had just finished writing weapon in the previous sentence.
    • Well son, when a man and his gun love each other veeery much...

    • From the feature list: unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons what the fuck does that mean?
      I don't want to see what their idea of a BFG is. Oozinator [youtube.com], anyone?

    • From the feature list: unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons what the fuck does that mean?

      Ahem....allow me to explain, as succinctly as possible:

      "This is MY BOOM STICK!!"...and..."It's pump action for a reason, baby".

      Actually, not a frigging clue, and don't wanna know because then someone would have to explain squibs and
      feed jams and using that wire brush (SHUDDER!)...no, not gonna go there.
    • Jayne: This has a name, I call her Vera

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by Trails ( 629752 )
      I'm still wondering what "mysterious science fiction background story" implies. Does that mean there are three silhouettes in the bottom right hand corner of the screen making wise cracks?

      [At the end of the game]
      Crow T. Robot: Well, a good thing about the game was it wasn't any longer.
      Joel: And a bad thing?
      Crow T. Robot: It was this long.

  • No (Score:1, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward
    but I bet I could handle Them.

  • Another movie license game? (Score:3, Informative)

    by tepples ( 727027 ) <tepplesNO@SPAMgmail.com> on Tuesday July 31, 2007 @07:34PM (#20064635) Homepage Journal

    Is the game They based at all on the 2002 horror film titled They [imdb.com]?

  • Marketing: Salaried Intoxication (Score:2, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward
    So I guess we need to find some guy named Turok and ask him what he thinks about this.

  • Nothing to see here (Score:5, Insightful)

    by quarrel ( 194077 ) on Tuesday July 31, 2007 @07:38PM (#20064685)
    Is there much point in posting a /. article, trying to inform your fellow geeks, that there is something they've never heard of, and it looks like it isn't worth paying any attention to?

    I already know there is lots of useless crap in the world that I'm not interested in. Tell me about things that ARE interesting.

    --Q

    • Slashdot News for nerds. Stuff that matters.
    • Well now we've been informed that They aren't worth looking into so that when the dupe, follow-up, it's dupe, and the angry letter are posted on /. we can avoid them. That way you get to see more interesting things, like another article on the iPhone or Vista which are obviously interesting! Isn't it a great plan?

    • Is there much point in posting a /. article, trying to inform your fellow geeks, that there is something they've never heard of, and it looks like it isn't worth paying any attention to?

      I already know there is lots of useless crap in the world that I'm not interested in. Tell me about things that ARE interesting.
      Word of note: Icy-Hot genital rubdowns, not a good idea. Just in case you WERE interested.

    • Re: (Score:3, Interesting)

      by Observador ( 224372 )
      I happen to remember that many, many, many years ago some magazine editor decided to rag on some company that had sent the magazine some doodads. The doodads weren't even promoting a game! Instead they were announcing the creation of a new videogame company. The doodad was actually a knick knack with a bloody brain in it (or something like that) with the name of the company printed visibly on it. For some reason this irked the game magazine editor, and he proceeded to expound, on said magazine's editorial,

    • Well, yes and no (Score:3, Interesting)

      by Moraelin ( 679338 )
      Well, yes and no.

      Yes in that indeed it doesn't actually tell you anything that you'd base a buying decision on.

      No, in that it's another somewhat comical (and somewhat sad) example of bad marketing and press releases that sound like they were generated by the Dilbert Mission Statement Generator, or a variant thereof. You know, the stuff that we all like to make fun of.

      And it also shows at least one reaction to such crap, and it's not a positive one. It turns out that there _is_ such thing as bad publicity.

      It
    • Stop bitching. The real point of the article is how marketting has gotten just as out of hand in the world of video games as it has in just about every other mature industry. This is something that should be interesting to you if you care about the current diseased state of our beloved hobby.
    • Tell me about things that ARE interesting.

      Hopefully it may yet entertain you, my liege...

      A company is spending lots of money in order to tell people about their product, but when they pull in a willing audience who actually pays attention to the advertisement, the audience still has no clue as to what is being talked about? They're spending time, energy, money, (all valuable), in actually convincing the public that, as a company, they don't even know how to do business? How does this instill confidence

  • From the pictures, it looks vaguely like Starship Troopers. "The only good Bug is a dead Bug".

  • And then... (Score:5, Funny)

    by Fallen Kell ( 165468 ) on Tuesday July 31, 2007 @07:56PM (#20064845)
    ...'THEY' will be soon forgotten...
  • THEY are no match for BLAZEMONGER! In fact, HIM, HER, US, THEM and THEY are still no match for BLAZEMONGER!

    • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

      by BlackCobra43 ( 596714 )
      Rumors are floating about that THEY is actually a REMAKE of BLAZEMONGER - with TWICE THE SPEED. TWICE THE ACTION. TWICE THE FIREPOWER. It is SO hard you will lose without even BUYING the game!

  • wow (Score:1)

    by Doddman ( 953998 )
    that thing in the picture in the middle of the city looks like a half-life 2 citadel wannabe

  • Vaporware (Score:2, Insightful)

    by sykopomp ( 1133507 )
    Please label this as vaporware. 'THEY' sound more like they're trying to sell me a Phantom than actually trying to make a good game. Expected Release Date: Holiday Season 09/0ALWAYS BET ON DUKE
  • So... if THEY publish this for Wii - will the gameplay and controls for boys be different from those for girls?

  • next generation mystery first person shooter for PC and next generation consoles
    Next generation consoles? Wow, they're definitely getting a jump on the competition. I don't think I've heard any other announcements for the PS4, XBox 720 or Wiii.
  • If I recall correctly, there was a "Pinky and the Brain" episode in which the lab mice tried to join an illuminati-style international conspiracy group called "T.H.E.Y.". THEY consisted of world leaders (Bill Clinton and the like).

    Even the name was an elaborate cover-up designed to deceive the public. It was an acronym; I think the "Y" stood for "Yodelers".

  • Sigh... (Score:5, Interesting)

    by dyslexicbunny ( 940925 ) on Tuesday July 31, 2007 @09:26PM (#20065513)

    Title: THEY
    Platforms: PC & next generation console
    Release date: 2008/2009
    Genre: First person mystery shooter
    Scenario: Near Future
    * next generation 3D engine
    * unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons
    * mysterious science fiction background story
    * diversified enemies--thrilling and intelligent
    * heroes to identify with
    * heavy usage of physics
    * destructible environment relevant for gameplay
    * haunting single player mode
    * versatile multiplayer modes


    Honestly, this pretentious crap needs to end. This doesn't make me want to purchase or play the game. Sure it's an announcement but honestly, every single buzzword is touted for every FPS game when they come out. Besides, it looks like a third-grader wrote this for a book report and copied the box on game. It provides just enough information to sound real but not enough to be useful, like this up and coming game from downtown ATL.

    Title: Protecting and Analyzing the Next-gen Transportation System (PANTS)
    Platforms: PC & next generation console
    Release date: 2008/2009
    Genre: First person strategy thriller
    Scenario: Present Time
    * next generation 3D engine
    * unique tactics system that makes you "love" planning
    * politically-charged background story
    * diversified citizens--pissed off and delayed
    * support characters with realistic backgrounds
    * mild usage of physics
    * adaptive environment relevant for gameplay
    * intellectually challenging single player mode
    * variety of multiplayer modes

    • Apart from your comment being filled with truth, it also managed to make me nearly fall from my chair in laughter. Nice satire, thumbs up :-)

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by Jim Hall ( 2985 )

      * unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons

      I find it's ok to "love" your weapons, but not to love your weapons. Maintain some distance, you know.

  • Did anyone else see a resemblance between the weapon pictured in the screenshot and a paintball gun? Are these guys afraid of Jack Thompson or something?

  • Ironically (Score:3, Interesting)

    by king-manic ( 409855 ) on Tuesday July 31, 2007 @09:57PM (#20065765)
    Their critical knock against their marketing drew a ton more publicity then it deserves. I'm really hoping there is a comical back lash and NO ONE will pick up a copy to punish this lazy PR.

  • 1-18-08 (Score:2, Insightful)

    by Trikenstein ( 571493 )
    slash Cloverfield seems to be doing it's job of causing interest.
    Maybe They (Newsweek) just don't *get it*.

  • In Soviet Russia (Score:3, Funny)

    by Provocateur ( 133110 ) <shedied@gmail . c om> on Tuesday July 31, 2007 @11:16PM (#20066353) Homepage
    THEY can handle YOU

    just to get that out of the way. And for once, the grammar nazis won't even wince.

  • Obligatory 80's reference. (Score:4, Funny)

    by dannycim ( 442761 ) on Tuesday July 31, 2007 @11:34PM (#20066539)
    ...''THEY' are huge ...

    The might be giants? ::ducks::
  • Did THEY rename Duke Nukem Forever?
  • And will THEY ship before DNF?!

    THEY did not say.

  • THEY (Score:1)

    by taff^2 ( 188189 )
    ... sound like THEY are blowing smoke up your arses!

  • what they mean (Score:1, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward
    let's do some translation:

    Title: THEY = hey, naming a game FEAR was a good idea, let's do something similar!
    Release date: 2008/2009 = 2009/2010/2011/2012/...
    Genre: First person mystery shooter = what was I saying about FEAR?
    Scenario: Near Future = either that or WWII ...
    * next generation 3D engine = ooooh, shiny screenshots
    * unique weapon system that makes you "love" your weapons = ... no comments ...
    * mysterious science fiction background story = [unable to translate, gibberish]
    * diversified enemies--thril

  • ...So in other words it's an obnoxious viral advertising campaign, and you're falling right into it.

  • THEY is about to make you his bitch.
  • "THEY" features a technically future minded 3D engine with next generation effects, brand new gameplay elements and a revolutionary weapon system to survive the challenges ahead! But always remember: Nothing is as it seems! It might SEEM that way, but it's really features an untechnical, past-minded 1D engine, with last generation effects, old gamplay elements and a (my favorite) a "non-revolving" weapon system to fail to survive the lack of challenges ahead!
  • Apparently their non informational ploy worked as their seems to be several articles about it. The user responses seem to be quite a large amount as well. They couldn't have asked for better advertising.
  • 'so mysterious, so stunning and so amazing--that 'THEY' might become one of the most anticipated world premiere titles from this year's Games Convention!'

    Then again, it might not.
  • Is John Romero working on this one? I'm still waiting to be his bitch.
  • "Who are THEY?"
    "THEY're bastards. THEY killed Kenny"

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