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Celebrity AD&D Character Sheets 194

Posted by CmdrTaco
from the kinda-funny dept.
GnomeIllusionist writes "In their continuing tribute to Gary Gygax, Wired has created character sheets for nine celebrities. Apparently, Stephen Hawking can do 10D6 radiation damage to his enemies and Rick Astley is a 20th-Level bard. Steve Jobs' black turtleneck is actually magical armor with +6 against edged attacks." Most of them are kinda cheesy and obvious- I wonder if you can do better.
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Celebrity AD&D Character Sheets

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  • by eldavojohn (898314) * <eldavojohn.gmail@com> on Saturday April 05, 2008 @12:03PM (#22973328) Journal

    Most of them are kinda cheesy and obvious- I wonder if you can do better.
    CmdrTaco

    Web Master
    Chaotic Basement Troll
    Strength: Pi
    Intelligence: 4
    Wisdom: 12
    Constitution: 18
    Dexterity: 7
    Charisma: 1
    Special Abilities: Posses the inability to discern between 'there' and 'their' while at the same time lacking any clue of what news is.
    • by ndogg (158021)
      I protest. Taco's strength is at least e^(i*pi).

      Give him some credit.
  • The actual character sheets of celebrity players like Vin Diesel and Stephen Colbert.
    • by dgatwood (11270) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @12:19PM (#22973410) Journal

      Let's see... William Shatner has the ability to randomly pause; if you roll a 13 on a 13-sided die, he pauses and in spite of looking ridiculous, he is miraculously unharmed by any attacks for an entire round. Also, every round, he gains experience points through sleeping with every non-human female currently in play.

      :-D

      • I'm pretty sure that only Shatner would have 13-sided dice; they're an exotic particle that has to be made by retuning the deflector dish and rerouting the emissions to the Enterprise's replicator banks.
        • "Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish, that's the way we do things here, making shit up as we wish..."

          Voltaire is God.
      • by Kingrames (858416)
        Non-human?

        Wow, he got nerfed pretty bad.
        • by dgatwood (11270)

          Zapp Brannigan: We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?

      • Re: (Score:2, Funny)

        by KDR_11k (778916)
        he gains experience points through sleeping with every non-human female currently in play.

        Won't somebody please think of the tribbles?
    • That would indeed be interesting. Wil Wheaton, too, I guess. I wonder if any of them play anything but D&D? There's so many more interesting games out there.
  • Hawking has to roll every time he gets near a flight of stairs in a melee or takes the tumble critical hit..

  • by Guppy (12314) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @12:14PM (#22973386)
    Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma [theonion.com]

    REDMOND, WA--Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.
  • by The Ultimate Fartkno (756456) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @12:16PM (#22973396)
    ...sees Paris Hilton, clicks the little (x). Next story, please.
    • by Aglassis (10161) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @01:14PM (#22973768)

      ...sees Paris Hilton, clicks the little (x).

      Next story, please.
      That is only because you failed your Will save. Much like a tarrasque, she has a Frightful Presence.
    • Paris Hilton
      Intelligence: 9
      Wisdom: 8

      George W. Bush
      Intelligence: 10
      Wisdom: 6

      Wow. I mean ... wow. I thought Paris Hilton defined -inf for wisdom as well as intelligence, but man was I wrong.

      Gotta go search for my jawbone on the floor now.
  • by zuggy40 (951875) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @12:22PM (#22973428)
    to being rick-rolled
  • Even for nerds... (Score:2, Insightful)

    by Chonnawonga (1025364)
    ...I'm not sure this qualifies as news.
    • by pembo13 (770295)
      Some people seem to feel that AD&D is critical to being a geek somehow.
      • by tomhudson (43916) <.barbara.hudson. ... bara-hudson.com.> on Saturday April 05, 2008 @12:57PM (#22973642) Journal

        Some people seem to feel that AD&D is critical to being a geek somehow.

        Some people seem to feel that ADHD is critical to being a geek somehow.

        There - fixed.

        ... unless you're an AI in which case ADD is just another instruction ...

        • Re: (Score:3, Interesting)

          by kesuki (321456)
          Like they say, you don't HAVE to be crazy, but it HELPS. Especially if your life ambition is to play video games for FUN not necessarily to win, mind you but for fun. (mind you the 6 months in mental hospitals + 6 months in group homes is NOT FUN a 5 digit back pay check from social security, is something any geek who doesn't have a HDTV or a playstation3 yet dreams of. (plus my best PC only has 1 gig of ram and 300 GB of HD storage and a 3000+ (2000 mhz) processor)

          We're dreaming quadcore with 4 gigs of r
    • Re: (Score:2, Offtopic)

      I agree. I would like less Reddit/Digg style stories. That's not what attracts me to slashdot, it's the in depth discussion, which simply isn't generated by stories like this.
    • by rob1980 (941751)
      It's Saturday, let your hair down a little bit. Dang.
    • by Bieeanda (961632)
      The author of this dubious piece submitted it to Digg and made a thread about it on SomethingAwful, where he was threatened with banning if he ever tried to advertise his own shitty blog posts again. I have to wonder if GnomeIllusionist is the same unfunny hack trying to astroturf for page impressions again.
  • by UrinalPooper (1240522) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @12:37PM (#22973514)
    Bush would be lawful evil, not chaotic neutral... So few people seem to grasp precisely how that alignment works. The best description I one saw was in an old Dragon magazine: think Daffy Duck.
    • by Nimey (114278) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @12:47PM (#22973574) Homepage Journal
      Neutral Evil. Lawful Evil types will follow laws & agreements to the letter, if not necessarily the spirit. Bush clearly thinks the law doesn't apply to him, so he's not lawful.
      • I would say that he's True Neutral; after all, puppets don't really have an alignment.
      • Re: (Score:3, Insightful)

        by Dr. Evil (3501)

        Naw, he's using the law to change the law. Sending people to Guantanamo, creating stuff like the Patriot Act, even using the presidency to accomplish his bizzare goals. It all reeks of Lawful.

        Evil has an implication of his motives. I like to think he's lawful good, but profoundly unwise.

        If I had to draw it up:

        George W. Bush,
        Human
        Level 24 Specialty Priest of Republicanism, Level 1 fighter
        Lawful Good (see further)

        Str: 13 (he does ranching stuff every once in a while, slightly above average)
        Int: 18 (h

        • by Nimey (114278)

          I like to think he's lawful good, but profoundly unwise.
          That must be very comforting. How do you account for the laws he chooses to ignore?
    • I've found that a suitable poster boy for Chaotic Neutral is Dr. Gregory House.
      • I would disagree. I call House CG.

        While he may not follow the rules, he is doing it to save the lives of other people.
        • by WK2 (1072560) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @03:34PM (#22974526) Homepage
          I disagree with CG, and agree with the GP poster, CN. Saving lives is only a natural side effect of what House does. He is only in it to solve a mystery, and he only does it for himself.

          You can tell how "good" House is by how he treats everybody and everything else. He doesn't care about or respect them. He lied to everybody without remorse, and only decided to cut down on lying when he learned that he can get things from people if they distrust him less. He only serves his own desires, which are neither good nor evil.

          Chaotic Neutral.
          • But the only mysteries he solves are those that save people's lives.
            • by Gospodin (547743)

              That's just not true. Consider the time he borrowed increasingly large sums of money from his friend in order to empirically test the magnitude of their friendship.

          • by Yosho (135835)
            He only serves his own desires, which are neither good nor evil.

            I think this is worth nitpicking: somebody who serves only their own desires is practically the definition of evil. A good person will willingly put themselves in danger or make sacrifices to help others; a neutral person will help other people as long as there's not too much risk involved. An evil person will only help other people when it serves his own best interests; they're perfectly willing to let other people come to harm when it doesn
  • by Guppy (12314) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @12:38PM (#22973520)
    Rick Astley's character sheet neglects to mention a few things -- he is under a permanent Geas of loyalty. Rick is unable to abandon party members for any reason (although his party members may choose to leave him if they initiate the separation). In addition, he is unable to speak any untruth which causes emotional anguish to another.

    Rick also has a compulsion to explain to others his emotional state and how he is feeling, which results in a penalty to all rolls involving deception (except vs. ducks). However, this feature is not a Geas and is merely a personality trait.
  • by Sapphon (214287) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @12:41PM (#22973538) Journal
    Paris Hilton
    Actress
    Chaotic Neutral Human
    Strength: 9 Intelligence: 9 Wisdom: 8 Constitution: 10 Dexterity: 14 Charisma: 18
    Special Abilities: Wiggling out of jail time for DUI charges, washing cars in an entertaining manner.

    George W. Bush
    17th -level politician
    Chaotic Neutral Human
    Strength: 11 Intelligence: 10 Wisdom: 6 Constitution: 12 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 16
    Special Abilities: Always wins eligible elections, takes no damage for corporate connections, has the ability to prevaricate perfectly, and always goes first in initiative in attacks via other countries.

    Ron Paul
    23rd-Level Lawful Good Wizard
    Strength: 10 Intelligence: 17 Wisdom:17 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 13
    Special Abilities: Can see into the future, but must roll Charisma or less on d100 to convince anyone he's right. Can summon 1,000 devoted followers on command, and can pull 10,000 GP out of his hat as needed -- but no one knows how. His presence at delivery adds +1 to all child's attributes.

    Steve Jobs
    21st Level Paladin
    Strength: 12 Intelligence: 15 Wisdom: 17 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 20
    Special Abilities: Reality Distortion field allows him to temporarily influence any character, if he rolls less than his Charisma, minus the target's Intelligence.
    Special Equipment: +6 Magical Armor appears as a black turtleneck and blue jeans, but protects him from edged attacks.

    Dean Kamen
    43rd-Level Human*
    Strength: 10 Intelligence: 22 Wisdom: 23 Dexterity: 13 Charisma: 16
    Special Abilities: Can instantaneously invent anything to solve any problem.
    Special Equipment: 6-wheeled, gyroscope-balanced battle chair. Dean's Dexterity is reduced by one and STR increased by two when riding the battle chair.
    Magical "water box." Powered by fire. Makes clean water and provides a bright light that can be used to reduce an opponent's dexterity by two points.
    *His exact origin/species is in dispute.

    Stephen Hawking
    25th-Level Cosmologist
    Neutral Good Human
    Strength: 3 Dexterity: 2 Constitution: 10 Intelligence: 28 Wisdom: 20 Charisma: 12
    Special Abilities: Time dilation at will, and Hawking Radiation. Any nongenius within a 60-foot radius take 10d6 radiation damage. Base movement: 6 ft/round
    Special Equipment: Wheelchair of translation.

    Richard Dawkins
    22th-Level Evolutionary Biologist
    Lawful Neutral Human
    Strength: 12 Dexterity: 13 Constitution: 10 Intelligence: 18 Wisdom: 22 Charisma: 25
    Special Abilities: Spell Resistance Infinite (because magic is not real).
    All Cleric-Priest within 60 feet gain 2 negate levels due to logical paradox.
    Special Equipment: Spectacles of Trueseeing (always sees things as they really are).

    Rick Astley
    20th-Level Bard
    Strength: 8 Intelligence: 9 Wisdom: 10 Constitution: 10 Dexterity: 18 Charisma: 18
    Special Abilities: Uses Dex. bonus for all Dance-related checks due to years of training in the art of '80s pop dancing. Can rickroll targets for 5d6 of humiliation damage.

    Mr. T
    lvl9 Fighter / lvl7 Barbarian
    Strength: 18 Intelligence: 8 Wisdom: 12 Constitution:16 Dexterity: 12 Charisma: 12
    Special Abilities: At will: Pity (the fool). There is no save, and it is not subject to spell resistance. The effect is 4d6 subdual damage and permanent Pity.
    Languages Known: English, Jibba Jabba.

    No, I haven't forgotten any stats: some people just didn't seem to deserve all 6, as far as Wired was concerned!
    • by Machtyn (759119)
      How in the world did Paris Hilton score anything above a 4 on intelligence and a 2 in wisdom? If she rolls a 4, then she flips a coin, tails she gets -1.
    • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

      by Rinisari (521266)
      Ron Paul's constitution should be at least 25, if not something like 100. You know what I mean.
    • If this really was news for nerds, they would have had to include Bruce [geekz.co.uk] Schneier [schneier.com].

  • GW Bush (Score:3, Funny)

    by Entropius (188861) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @12:47PM (#22973580)
    Aristocrat (Neoconservative) 10/Clr2 of Jeebus

    Str: 13
    Dex: 8 (choked on a pretzel)
    Con: 14 (able to stomach sight of Laura Bush)
    Int: 8
    Wis: 9*
    Cha: 14 (people still like him)

    HP: 10d6+2d8+24

    Skill points: 13*2 (Ari) +2*1 (Clr) = 28

    Profession (failed businessman) +3
    Craft (ridiculous speeches) +4
    Knowledge (torture methods) +5
    Knowledge (religion) +2
    Knowledge (pseudoscience) +3
    Perform (monkey faces) +7

    Neocon Bullheadedness (Ex): Analogous to the Madness rule for clerics of Tharizdun (see RttToEE), Neoconservatives add half of their Neocon level to their Wisdom for the purpose of Will saves and any checks related to avoiding changing one's mind, but subtract this number from their Wisdom for all other purposes except spellcasting. Neocons who worship Jeebus count their cleric levels as Neocon levels for this purpose.

    Cause Fear (Ex): By invoking the sacred name of Terrism, Bush can cause a disturbed fearful state in those who hear his speeches. Anyone hearing such a speech for five consecutive rounds must make a Will save (DC 18) or be shaken for 24 hours. In addition, for the next four months the victim must make a Will save (DC 13) upon future mention of Terrism, or be shaken for 10 minutes. Listeners with Intelligence 12 or greater are unaffected; listeners with intelligence 16 or greater are highly amused.

    Feats: Courteous Theocracy (background feat), Dodge Draft, Thrall to Demon (Karl Rove), Weapon Focus (flag lapel pin), Dodge (for hunting with Cheney)

    Typical cleric spells prepared: **can't cast spells, Wis10**
    • Re:GW Bush (Score:5, Funny)

      by MoodyLoner (76734) <moodyloner.ca@gmail . c om> on Saturday April 05, 2008 @01:02PM (#22973688) Homepage Journal
      You forgot his Unitary Executive, Misunderestimate Me and Appoint Lackey feats:

      Unitary Executive: Ignores rules for character generation. Can ignore any or all rules of combat, at will, as long as Memo of John Woo is in possession.

      Misunderestimate Me: Is underestimated for the wrong reasons. Add +6 inherent bonus to Bluff, and a -6 inherent penalty to all Diplomacy rolls made on his behalf, even by another PC or an NPC.

      Appoint Lackey: Anyone he appoints to an Administration position takes a -8 inherent penalty to all relevant skills. The only way to avoid this penalty is to not have any skills applicable to the position.
      • by X_Bones (93097)
        Unitary Executive: Ignores rules for character generation. Can ignore any or all rules of combat, at will, as long as Memo of John Woo is in possession.

        "Memo of John Woo"? That's the one that lets you blow up tons of stuff and perform martial arts on street criminals, right?
        • by MoodyLoner (76734)
          That's what I get for trusting CNN.

          On the other hand, have you sat through Mission Impossible:II?
  • Ok. Two problems here. Firstly, these are so very far from being character sheets. They'd be useless stat blocks for an NPC, let alone a decent character sheet. Sadly inferior to the Onion article.

    Secondly, AD&D. WTF? That was 2.5 editions ago. I thought Wired was supposed to be about the cutting edge!

    And, now that I've completely overreacted, I'll switch out of Comic Book Guy mode and return to you to your regular programming.
    • Well, AD&D may have been a long time ago, but newer versions are far too legalistic for many players' tastes.
  • by MarchTheMonth (1232442) <MarchTheMonth@@@gmail...com> on Saturday April 05, 2008 @01:00PM (#22973666)
    no disrespect to Mr. T, but Chuck Norris would have been much better. Chuck Norris Lawful Good Superhuman Strength: 20 Intelligence: 10 Wisdom: 12 Constitution: 16 Dexterity: 18 Charisma: 15 Special Abilities: Tears cure all afflictions. Roundhouse kick, if rolled higher than 1d4, defeats enemy. Beard has special powers not yet seen.
  • 22th? (Score:5, Funny)

    by crossmr (957846) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @01:01PM (#22973680) Journal
    "22th-Level Evolutionary Biologist"

    how about 22nd..
    looks like an editor just failed an intelligence check.
    • Re:22th? (Score:4, Insightful)

      by ultranova (717540) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @03:02PM (#22974324)

      How about "22nd-Level Troll" ?

      Dawkins isn't best known for his scientific work. He is best known for his crusade against religion. Publishing one tirade after another about the subject is hard to consider anything but trolling; and he's been pretty succesfull in that, as proven by books like "The Dawkins Delusion" - how many Slashdot trolls can say they got dead-tree books published just to counter their posts ?

      If one wanted to be really nasty - considering his convictions - one could even call him a "22nd-Level Crusader" :). Also, I seem to recall there was a prestige class which concentrated on jamming the powers of clerics and denying that deities were anything worth worshipping, as opposed to simply powerful but ultimately ordinary beings; I can't recall what it was called, thought.

      • Re: (Score:2, Interesting)

        by glwtta (532858)
        Publishing one tirade after another about the subject is hard to consider anything but trolling

        What makes you think he isn't sincere in his beliefs?

        I'm just curious. I personally don't have much interest in the field of "pop-evolutionary biology" but I think it has its place, and serves a useful purpose.
        • Re: (Score:3, Informative)

          by ultranova (717540)

          What makes you think he isn't sincere in his beliefs?

          He propably is. The time and effort he has put into his anti-religious efforts suggests he's quite obsessed about them, too.

          However, this doesn't change the fact that Dawkins is known for attacks on religion far more than his work in science. This, I believe, justifies calling him a troll, whether these attacks are a weird practical joke or a genuine obsession.

          I'm just curious. I personally don't have much interest in the field of "pop-evolutionar

  • by 26199 (577806) * on Saturday April 05, 2008 @01:22PM (#22973806) Homepage

    "Good and evil need no explanation" ... if you've figured out what's good and what's evil in this crazy world, please share!

    • by jd (1658)
      Gaining karma points on Slashdot is good. Designing lolcats only Geeks could actually understand and be amused by is good. Demonstrating to Pastis the readership relationship between his cartoon and chedder cheese is good. Drinking Real English tea is good. Watching "Not the Nine O'Clock News", "Kenny Everett" and "The Goodies" is good.

      What's bad... All American TV shows and movies.

  • Not funny! (Score:3, Funny)

    by johnwbyrd (251699) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @01:29PM (#22973836) Homepage
    Augh!

    Slashdot is an awesome place to find out about the latest Internet Explorer vulnerabilities and the hippest Linux distros. But it's a truly dreadful, forsaken, necrotic place for getting legal advice and for finding the funny.

    Funny is embedded in an underground cavern on the dark side of the moon from Slashdot. Funny is being cryogenically frozen in carbonite while Slashdot looks on and taunts funny with the voice of James Earl Jones. Funny is imprisoned in Florida, recounting hanging chad from the 2000 election, while Slashdot rules the country for eight years and mispronounces the word "nuclear".
    King of the Hill, My Name Is Earl, Wonder Showzen, Look Around You: all funny! Linux startup scripts, Microsoft patent trolling, packet sniffers going 1.0, DVORAK keyboards, anything written to be sung to the tune of anything else, parodies of Magic cards depicting tech moguls: all not funny!

    There exists a damned fine reason why the Slashdot moderators are making millions writing PHP and perl scripts, and not making millions writing Hollywood sitcoms. 'CAUSE SLASHDOT IS NOT FUNNY!

    Now I'm going to be moderated a troll by someone who writes parodies of Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. Sigh.
    • by Dunbal (464142)
      Now I'm going to be moderated a troll by someone who writes parodies of Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. Sigh.

            No, because by slashdot standards, your post was actually quite funny.
    • by kvezach (1199717) on Saturday April 05, 2008 @02:48PM (#22974244)
      Now I'm going to be moderated a troll by someone who writes parodies of Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. Sigh.

      I am the very model of a modern Slashdot forum troll
      and when I post and moderate I always will be very droll...
  • The day that Slashdotters come up with something better than Wired magazine does, I'll tune in to watch the original showing of the last episode of TNG.
  • A nightelf Mohawk. =) Although maybe they grabbed his real sheet, i mean, Mr. T IS handy with computers and has an antiquated hairstyle.
  • Priceless (Score:4, Funny)

    by EdIII (1114411) * on Saturday April 05, 2008 @03:19PM (#22974416)
    Mr.T's Character Sheet (TFA)

    Special Abilities: At will: Pity (the fool). There is no save, and it is not subject to spell resistance. The effect is 4d6 subdual damage and permanent Pity. Languages Known: English, Jibba Jabba.
    I think I almost peed myself that was so funny.... yeah just a little :) They did forget a persistent Fear of Flying (no saving throw) and the complete inability to detect sedatives in any fluid.
  • "Most of them are kinda cheesy and obvious- I wonder if you can do better."

    Trying to do this, but in a less cheesy way, is like going on a diet and trying to figure out how to loose less unwanted fat. There is a reason why Kraft doesn't have a slogan: "Now with less cheese ..."

    That being said, here is my contribution, which his hopefully way more cheesy . Everyone knows that John Holmes [wikipedia.org] had (at least) a +5 wand!

  • After all this time of silly politics or pointless reruns of DMCA or copyright cases, finally, we have some refreshingly nerdy news for nerds.

You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip over? Well, that's how I feel all the time. -- Steven Wright

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