Celebrity AD&D Character Sheets

GnomeIllusionist writes "In their continuing tribute to Gary Gygax, Wired has created character sheets for nine celebrities. Apparently, Stephen Hawking can do 10D6 radiation damage to his enemies and Rick Astley is a 20th-Level bard. Steve Jobs' black turtleneck is actually magical armor with +6 against edged attacks." Most of them are kinda cheesy and obvious- I wonder if you can do better.

What would have made a better article

[Gandling]

The actual character sheets of celebrity players like Vin Diesel and Stephen Colbert.

Even for nerds...

[Chonnawonga]

...I'm not sure this qualifies as news.

Re:Error in 'George Bush'

[cp.tar]

AFAIK, his INT score shouldn't be higher than 9.

I'd also say 16 isn't his rolled CHA score; he couldn't possibly have rolled more than 12. At best.
All the rest is the doing of a few magical items, circumstance bonuses and followers.

Also, since he left my benighted country just a few hours ago, he also possesses a magical shield aura along with several hundred guards: no-one can enter the area within 300 m from him.
Setting your eyes on him can also probably turn you to stone or suffer the effect of Baleful Polymorph; what other reason could there be that people living in vicinity of the route he took were told to shutter their windows and stay inside?

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment

[Nimey]

Neutral Evil. Lawful Evil types will follow laws & agreements to the letter, if not necessarily the spirit. Bush clearly thinks the law doesn't apply to him, so he's not lawful.

Re:Obligatory Onion reference

[sapphire wyvern]

That article is so much better than Wired's version.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment

[Dr. Evil]

Naw, he's using the law to change the law. Sending people to Guantanamo, creating stuff like the Patriot Act, even using the presidency to accomplish his bizzare goals. It all reeks of Lawful.

Evil has an implication of his motives. I like to think he's lawful good, but profoundly unwise.

If I had to draw it up:

George W. Bush,
Human
Level 24 Specialty Priest of Republicanism, Level 1 fighter
Lawful Good (see further)

Str: 13 (he does ranching stuff every once in a while, slightly above average)
Int: 18 (he's president... freaky though it may be)
Wis: 2 (6 -4) (I hold hope that he's not evil.)
Dex: 6 (The Segway?)
Con: 10 (he's kinda small and wiry)
Cha: 18 (he's the president... that's not an accident)

George is on a religious crusade to preserve and spread American values and quality of life. He's an unfortunately powerful man who believes that he can do this by commanding armies to usurp governments and liberate oil.

George's already low natural wisdom has been reduced by his possession of a cursed (-4 Wisdom) "Crucifix of Divine Communion".

---

Clerical Spell: Conjure Bushism
Level 6
Components: V
Casting Time: Instant/Special

While in public, George can instantly disarm an audience, changing an unfavourable response into a favourable one, typically through verbal or physical comedy. Unless immune (see below) everyone who can hear or see George must save vs. spell at -8 or be distracted from the core issue for 1d20 days.

Casting time is instantaneous, however anyone who's affected twice by the spell (see above: 1d20 days) develops a permanent immunity from the affect. Perceiving further gaffes as evidence of incompetence.

--

Clerical Spell: Alter Fox News Broadcast
Level 8
Components: V,M
Casting Time: 8 hours

When cast, a Fox News broadcast will appear during prime time, extolling the virtues of George.

The material component is a telephone and a political favour. The telephone is not consumed in the casting.

--

Clerical Spell: Influence Election Outcome
Level 8
Components: V,S,M
Casting Time: 7 days

When cast, George will be able to alter an election outcome for a state.

The material components are electronic voting machines and money. The voting machines must be distributed prior to the election. Both the machines, the money and the reputation of the voting machine manufacturer are consumed in the casting of the spell.

Re:Don't bother visiting

[xZgf6xHx2uhoAj9D]

Why would you suggest Paris Hilton is stupid? It's an honest question. Because the character she portrays on "reality" TV is stupid? Because she doesn't wear underwear? Because she doesn't have a job? None of those suggest stupidity to me.

I'm not saying Paris Hilton is a genius, but I've yet to find any evidence that she's an idiot. People who accuse her of being stupid, in my experience, tend to be the type that are intimidated by or easily manipulated by the blonde, bubbly, slut stereotype. She's picked an image and exploits it to her full advantage. Yes, she's blonde. Yes, she toys with men. Yes, her childhood was handed to her on a silver platter. None of that to me suggests stupidity.

Consider that Paris Hilton is rumoured to be dubbed "the most overrated celebrity" by the Guinness Book of World Records. She has attained a huge amount of fame and fortune (not all of it inherited) by doing absolutely nothing but playing the media. That doesn't sound like stupid to me.

Re:22th?

[ultranova]

How about "22nd-Level Troll" ?

Dawkins isn't best known for his scientific work. He is best known for his crusade against religion. Publishing one tirade after another about the subject is hard to consider anything but trolling; and he's been pretty succesfull in that, as proven by books like "The Dawkins Delusion" - how many Slashdot trolls can say they got dead-tree books published just to counter their posts ?

If one wanted to be really nasty - considering his convictions - one could even call him a "22nd-Level Crusader" :). Also, I seem to recall there was a prestige class which concentrated on jamming the powers of clerics and denying that deities were anything worth worshipping, as opposed to simply powerful but ultimately ordinary beings; I can't recall what it was called, thought.